Monday, August 1, 2011

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

"See, it's like the civil rights movement, except this time they're actual monkeys!"-someone in Hollywood, apparently

Friday, July 29, 2011

Trespass

And thus is the Harrison Fording of Nic Cage finally completed.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Creature

What the poster doesn't tell you is that everyone depicted will be wearing a highly visible bra.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Main St.

In Heaven, the nursing homes fall under the protection of one man.

ORLANDO BLOOM
IS
STRIPPERCOP

COMING THIS FALL.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Last Circus

Pope Juggalo II had Galileo placed under house arrest for his controversial teachings regarding the workings of "fuckin' magnets".

Monday, July 25, 2011

Passion Play

I didn't think you could make Mickey Rourke and Megan Fox look more like grotesque, plasticized caricatures of themselves but Photoshop found a way.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Phase 7

Boy this sure looks...funny? Scary? Exciting? Tonally ambivalent? What in the hell are they going for with this?

And wouldn't the "executive producer of Paranormal Activity" just be "the guy who let us borrow a handheld camera for a few days"?

Monday, July 18, 2011

Friday, July 15, 2011

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Shark Night 3D

Oh my God! The shark has already eaten her legs! Oh...

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Family Tree

Terrence Malick's The Tree of Stock Publicity Photos.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Mighty Macs

 NUNSENSE: A JJ ABRAMS PRODUCTION

Okay, there needs to be some kind of cap on the amount of lens flare you're allowed to use to commemorate a victory in a high school girls' basketball league.

Like, could you imagine what they'd do if a hot nun had cured cancer? We'd all be blind. 


Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dear Lemon Lima

Sweet Jesus. It's like some kind of cutsey bullshit singularity.

Zooey Deschanel must see this way all the time.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Julia X

Wow, I guess they really did take a few liberties with that reimagining
of The Graduate.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens

So the poster for Cowboys & Aliens is just a bunch of disparate elements hastily slapped together with no regard for consistency or clarity?

Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Friday, July 1, 2011

Monte Carlo

NO ONE WILL BE SEATED AFTER THE THRILLING "THREE PEOPLE SITTING ON THINGS" SCENE!!!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Operation:Endgame

http://i.imgur.com/msMuN.jpg 
Hey, It's That Guy From That Thing: THE MOTION PICTURE

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

5 Days of War

"Based on actual events"? Man, if I outran fire breathing helicopters only to be played in the movie by "Rupert Friend", I would be pretty miffed.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Doctor Dolittle: Tail to the Cheif

Man, Vivid Entertainment is going to be pissed when they learn that they'll have to change the subtitle of their inevitable Obama- themed adult film.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Beethoven's Big Break

Pfft, teach it to play basketball, THEN I'll be impressed.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Abduction

 
"Die Hard in a kaleidoscope with the Twilight werewolf" probably shouldn't have made it past the "high concept" stage.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Friends with Benefits

It's nice to see movie stars using their platform to spread awareness of debilitating conditions like Alien Hand Syndrome.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Romeo and Juliet (in Yiddish)

Sorry, but this project lost all credibility the moment you decided not to call it Romeo and Jewliet.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Green Lantern

"Woah, you didn't tell me Abin Sur was going to be in it! Now I have to see this movie!!!"- Literally no one, ever

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Fifth Quarter

A mass of white people, bathed in golden light, raising their arms in salute? Yeah, that's pretty inspirational all right.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Straw Dogs

Run! The sepia is coming from inside the glasses!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Undefeated

"Make sure the poster for my Sarah Palin movie looks as much like old Soviet Propaganda as possible please!"- Stephen K. Bannon

Also, the poster for Sarah Palin's movie literally depicts a beautiful natural landscape sullied by an ugly oil pipeline. That seemed worth mentioning.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Judy Moody

Wow! It's like Mary Poppins meets Scott Pilgrim meets blunt force trauma! That's totallyrandomcrazypantsawesome wickedcheesefartsomeonehelpme!

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Smurfs

Well, they only missed the boat on that nonsensical pop culture reference by about five years.
Well, they only missed the boat on that nonsensical pop culture reference by about thirteen years.

Well, they only missed the boat on that nonsensical pop culture reference by about FORTY THREE YEARS.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Three Musketeers

Some People, At Least Three of Whom are Likely Musketeers by Anonymous Intern
Pirated copy of Photoshop© on Canvas, 2011
(This piece on loan from the Paul WS Anderson Center for Fine Arts.)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Hard Breakers

From the look on Tom Arnold's face, the battle of the sexes isn't the only thing that just got harder!

There's also Tom Arnold's penis. That's the main thing I want you to take away from this. Tom Arnold's engorged penis.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Monday, June 6, 2011

Knucklehead

To to recap we have:
  • Red Text
  • White Background
  • A grown man in a diaper
  • C-list actors
  • A midget
Yet neither hide nor hair of Jamie Kennedy? Something is amiss here.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Chalet Girl

It's cute that they put "snow-mantic" in quotes as though it were a thing an adult human would ever actually say.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

And Soon The Darkness

You know you've got a problem when even the people on the poster are ignoring your movie.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Meet Monica Velour

I'm guessing "airbrushed, flipper-handed fifty-something presented as an object of sexual desire" falls under the heading of "fantasy".

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Money Pet

So, where does the dog get the money? Going from the tagline, I'm guessing prostitution.

Friday, May 27, 2011

11-11-11

Apparently The Number 23, The Omen remake, Knowing, 2012, Chain Letter, The Da Vinci Code, and Angels and Demons weren't nearly enough to placate a numerology thriller-hungry audience.

Although it is nice that they brought on a director who has experience with numbers, repetition, and disappointment.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale

Yup, those are the kinds of facial expressions you make once you've resigned yourself to appearing in a movie directed by Uwe Boll.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Extreme Movie

Woah, is that a Pre-Raphaelite painting of Michael Cera? That is SO EXTREME DAWG!

Also, this is apparently "soft porn masquerading as comedy starring Jamie Kennedy" week.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Finding Bliss

You seriously couldn't get Jamie Kennedy in the studio for a photoshoot? I guess his busy schedule conflicted with Denise Richards's.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Melancholia (Foreign)

YOU DON'T GET TO
OFFEND
6,000,000 JEWS
WITHOUT HUMILIATING
A FEW WOMEN

(They reuse designs, I reuse jokes. Fair is fair.)