Please enjoy the NEW your movie poster sucks.

New format: same crappy posters! Your movie poster sucks is now at http://yourmoviepostersucks.tumblr.com!

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

 

"See, it's like the civil rights movement, except this time they're actual monkeys!"-someone in Hollywood, apparently

Trespass

 

And thus is the Harrison Fording of Nic Cage finally completed.

Creature

 

What the poster doesn't tell you is that everyone depicted will be wearing a highly visible bra.

Main St.

 

In Heaven, the nursing homes fall under the protection of one man.

ORLANDO BLOOM

IS

STRIPPERCOP

COMING THIS FALL.

The Last Circus

 

Pope Juggalo II had Galileo placed under house arrest for his controversial teachings regarding the workings of "fuckin' magnets".

Passion Play

 

I didn't think you could make Mickey Rourke and Megan Fox look more like grotesque, plasticized caricatures of themselves but Photoshop found a way.

Phase 7

 

Boy this sure looks...funny? Scary? Exciting? Tonally ambivalent? What in the hell are they going for with this?

And wouldn't the "executive producer of Paranormal Activity" just be "the guy who let us borrow a handheld camera for a few days"?

What's Your Number

 

Man, xkcd isn't even TRYING anymore.

Whistleblower

 

This summer, Rachel Weisz...IS...The Speedwalker!

Shark Night 3D

 

Oh my God! The shark has already eaten her legs! Oh...

Fright Night

 

 

Your movie poster sucks.

The Family Tree

 

Terrence Malick's The Tree of Stock Publicity Photos.

The Mighty Macs

 

 NUNSENSE: A JJ ABRAMS PRODUCTION

Okay, there needs to be some kind of cap on the amount of lens flare you're allowed to use to commemorate a victory in a high school girls' basketball league.

Like, could you imagine what they'd do if a hot nun had cured cancer? We'd all be blind. 

Dear Lemon Lima

 

Sweet Jesus. It's like some kind of cutsey bullshit singularity.

Zooey Deschanel must see this way all the time.

Julia X

 

Wow, I guess they really did take a few liberties with that reimagining

of The Graduate.

Cowboys & Aliens

 

So the poster for Cowboys & Aliens is just a bunch of disparate elements hastily slapped together with no regard for consistency or clarity?

Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Monte Carlo

 

NO ONE WILL BE SEATED AFTER THE THRILLING "THREE PEOPLE SITTING ON THINGS" SCENE!!!

Operation:Endgame

 

Hey, It's That Guy From That Thing: THE MOTION PICTURE

5 Days of War

 

"Based on actual events"? Man, if I outran fire breathing helicopters only to be played in the movie by "Rupert Friend", I would be pretty miffed.

Doctor Dolittle: Tail to the Cheif

 

Man, Vivid Entertainment is going to be pissed when they learn that they'll have to change the subtitle of their inevitable Obama- themed adult film.

Beethoven's Big Break

 

Pfft, teach it to play basketball, THEN I'll be impressed.

Spy Kids 4

 

THAT'S NOT EVEN A PUN. CHRIST.

Abduction

 

"Die Hard in a kaleidoscope with the Twilight werewolf" probably shouldn't have made it past the "high concept" stage.

Friends with Benefits

 

It's nice to see movie stars using their platform to spread awareness of debilitating conditions like Alien Hand Syndrome.

Romeo and Juliet (in Yiddish)

 

Sorry, but this project lost all credibility the moment you decided not to call it Romeo and Jewliet.

Green Lantern

 

"Woah, you didn't tell me Abin Sur was going to be in it! Now I have to see this movie!!!"- Literally no one, ever

The Fifth Quarter

A mass of white people, bathed in golden light, raising their arms in salute? Yeah, that's pretty inspirational all right.

Salvation Boulevard

 

DEATH BIBLE: THE BIBLE THAT EATS

Straw Dogs

Run! The sepia is coming from inside the glasses!

The Undefeated

 

"Make sure the poster for my Sarah Palin movie looks as much like old Soviet Propaganda as possible please!"- Stephen K. Bannon

Also, the poster for Sarah Palin's movie literally depicts a beautiful natural landscape sullied by an ugly oil pipeline. That seemed worth mentioning.

Judy Moody

Wow! It's like Mary Poppins meets Scott Pilgrim meets blunt force trauma! That's totallyrandomcrazypantsawesome wickedcheesefartsomeonehelpme!

The Smurfs

Well, they only missed the boat on that nonsensical pop culture reference by about five years.

 

Well, they only missed the boat on that nonsensical pop culture reference by about thirteen years.

Well, they only missed the boat on that nonsensical pop culture reference by about FORTY THREE YEARS.

The Three Musketeers

 

Some People, At Least Three of Whom are Likely Musketeers by Anonymous Intern

Pirated copy of Photoshop© on Canvas, 2011

(This piece on loan from the Paul WS Anderson Center for Fine Arts.)

Hard Breakers

 

From the look on Tom Arnold's face, the battle of the sexes isn't the only thing that just got harder!

There's also Tom Arnold's penis. That's the main thing I want you to take away from this. Tom Arnold's engorged penis.

Zookeeper

Oh how cute. Kevin James thinks he's people.

Knucklehead

 

To to recap we have:

• Red Text
• White Background
• A grown man in a diaper
• C-list actors
• A midget

Yet neither hide nor hair of Jamie Kennedy? Something is amiss here.

Chalet Girl

 

It's cute that they put "snow-mantic" in quotes as though it were a thing an adult human would ever actually say.

And Soon The Darkness

 

You know you've got a problem when even the people on the poster are ignoring your movie.

Meet Monica Velour

 

I'm guessing "airbrushed, flipper-handed fifty-something presented as an object of sexual desire" falls under the heading of "fantasy".

The Money Pet

 

So, where does the dog get the money? Going from the tagline, I'm guessing prostitution.

11-11-11

 

Apparently The Number 23, The Omen remake, Knowing, 2012, Chain Letter, The Da Vinci Code, and Angels and Demons weren't nearly enough to placate a numerology thriller-hungry audience.

Although it is nice that they brought on a director who has experience with numbers, repetition, and disappointment.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale

 

Yup, those are the kinds of facial expressions you make once you've resigned yourself to appearing in a movie directed by Uwe Boll.

Extreme Movie

 

Woah, is that a Pre-Raphaelite painting of Michael Cera? That is SO EXTREME DAWG!

Also, this is apparently "soft porn masquerading as comedy starring Jamie Kennedy" week.

Finding Bliss

 

You seriously couldn't get Jamie Kennedy in the studio for a photoshoot? I guess his busy schedule conflicted with Denise Richards's.

Melancholia (Foreign)

 

YOU DON'T GET TO

OFFEND

6,000,000 JEWS

WITHOUT HUMILIATING

A FEW WOMEN

(They reuse designs, I reuse jokes. Fair is fair.)